Hasta la Vista, baby

Please understand.  It is not that I don’t love you, but it is time for me to move on.  You are still trying to seduce me with an easy going sweetness and warmth, but I know that it will end soon.  You know it too.  We both need to be realistic about these things. 

I left town last weekend and when I came back the signs were everywhere- your vibrance was fading, your light dimming.  You knew I was going out of town- four days for a family wedding.  I said I’d be back, but when I got home again, you had clearly changed.  I probably should have seen your shifting mood  sooner than I did, but like you, I was enamored, even blinded by  those long days, those relaxed dinners on the deck, the balmy breezes, the chilled chardonnay.  But now, the truth is inescapable.  Our days together are over.

If the clues weren’t obvious last week, the reality hit me hard yesterday.  A day, so cold, so damp, almost enough to warrant a cup of hot tea and a fire and you were nowhere to be found.  Left on my own, I snuggled under a blanket and got lost in a good book.  What else could I do?  If I had gone out looking for you, I would have just been disappointed.  I would not have found you anywhere.Who knows where you were hiding?

Now, today, you seemed to be back and acting like you never left. But I know better than to trust you now.  Because, as soon as I start expecting you to be there, you’ll betray me again.  So, no, I am not going let myself be tormented any longer.  I am going to be the one to end this relationship. 

So goodbye summer.

I say this with bittersweet tears, for while I know this breakup is inevitable, I will certainly miss you.  There will be days that I long with all my heart for your return, but for now, I have decided to embrace the crisp fresh air of autumn.  Bike rides and walks will still be enjoyable, although I will have to dig out my warmer clothes.  I’ll miss your juicy peaches and melons, but they have already been replaced by winter squashes and bright red apples at the farm stands.  Of your bounty, pretty much only corn and tomatoes remain, and supplies of those are also diminishing. 

Maybe I am fickle but once I made my decision to leave you,  I jumped immediately into a new relationship with autumn, going on a bit of a fall cooking frenzy.  Rotisserie pork loin with fresh apple chutney, butternut squash, anadama bread, wild rice soup, the last of your cherries baked into a cobbler.   I made enough food for two weeks today, but it was an important statement of my firm intent to never look back as I know you are fading out of my life.  I can’t bear to watch, I must keep looking forward.  Always forward.

So summer, please understand.  I do love you and always will, but for now this is the right thing.  Indeed, the only thing.  Once we have had some time apart, maybe you could come back and visit.  I’ll be older and maybe a smidgen wiser, and maybe next time you’re in town we can get together for a few laughs and a few drinks and we can still be friends.    Let’s hope so.

Today, I am grateful for the joys of autumn, even as I know I will miss those wonderful summer days.